alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
