From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
