I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
