"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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