I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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