okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
