Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
