you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
