How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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