she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
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