So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
