I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
