You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
