He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
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10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.