instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
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I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.