Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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