I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
