Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
