Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
zippers are such a cool invention
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
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