There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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