I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
