I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
