I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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