i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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