bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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