Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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