I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
