I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
