well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
