I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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