at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
