We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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