My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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