maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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