This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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