I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
