Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
