Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
