Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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