Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
