they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
At least life still wants to fuck me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
