Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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