I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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