So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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