Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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