he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
