Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
