Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
