from now on my penis is your penis
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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