There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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