I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
