Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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