I'm so fucking centered right now
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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