YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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