Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
