Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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