this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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