i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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